


Bright Lights and Cityscapes

by cassiopeiasara



Series: I'm gonna wash away everything (till you come home to me) [2]
Category: Agent Carter (TV)
Genre: ALL THE ANGST, F/F, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-15
Updated: 2016-02-15
Packaged: 2018-05-20 21:51:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6026518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cassiopeiasara/pseuds/cassiopeiasara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A sequel ( because turnitintolove and sarah_dude are enablers) to my oneshot “A Memory I Can Use” You probably want to read that first.</p>
<p> <i>She misses New York but if she’s truly honest, she just misses Angie. </i></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You fill me in, you are permanent

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: You’ll see canon plot points from the current season (up till 2.05) but I’ve tried for better characterization and I’ve retouched some things. Part of the exchange between Jason and Peggy is taken directly from ep. 2.05 Shoutout to turnitintolove for being my beta!
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own these characters and I seek no profit. Fic title and chapter title from Sara Bareilles "Bright Lights and Cityscapes"

“How do you like L.A.?” asks Rose over drinks one evening.

Peggy’s been here a little over a month. If she allowed herself to be completely honest, she’d admit she hates it. It’s too warm and no one is the same as they were in New York. She misses the familiarity of her home, an actual sense of season rather than the constant warmth and excessive house parties Howard throws.  She doesn’t like the cinema and she finds she’s not a big fan of the people who work in it either.

Daniel is different here too. Gone is the friend she knew and in his place is a distracted man out to prove himself. It’s clear that at the end of the day he doesn’t respect her ability, she’s still someone in need of protecting to him. It also seems despite the affections of a very lovely woman named Violet, he still looks at her as if some possibility lay between them. She wishes he could be content to be friends or at the very least, reliable colleagues.

Even Mr. Jarvis is different and while she appreciates his eagerness and support, she misses their old dynamic.

She sighs as she turns to Rose. She almost confesses the truth and she knows if she were to tell anyone, it would be Rose. She can't bring herself to admit it in the end and says, “It’s tolerable.”

Rose smiles like she knows Peggy isn't being entirely truthful. “Have you heard from-”

“No,” Peggy interrupts. She shifts in her seat and brings her hands to rest in her lap. She realizes the abrupt response sounds harsh but she can’t help it. She calls, she writes but there’s never an answer and while she can understand, it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

She misses New York but if she’s truly honest, she just misses Angie.

* * *

She respects Whitney Frost and would go so far as to say she’s impressed. The woman is incredibly intelligent and terrifying. When she faces her, she wonders what led Ms. Frost to this place. She doesn’t have much time before she’s impaled. While she’s sustained countless injuries, impalement was never something she predicted as a possibility.

When they get her to Violet’s house, she’s convinced she might actually die this time. Violet’s eyes are kind and Peggy uses them as her anchor to the present.

“I’m so sorry,” rasps Peggy.

Violet shakes her head. “I’m not sure there exists a situation in which this would be your fault.” She lets out a shaky laugh. “I may bill you for a new couch though.”

Peggy manages a tiny smile. “Please do.”

Violet sets to work while Peggy can hear pacing and whispers from the other room. She closes her eyes and only opens them when Violet mutters softly, “O.K., I’ve done all I can but I really think you need a hospital. Please let me call.”

Peggy attempts to grasp Violet’s wrist but finds she has no strength, opting instead for grazing it with her fingertips. “I can’t but thank you.”

Violet nods but hesitates in getting up. “Do you love him?”

Peggy considers feigning ignorance but Violet deserves to know and after tonight, Peggy knows she owes this woman more than she can ever repay. “I assure you my heart lies elsewhere.”

Violet bites her lower lip and nods. She considers Peggy for a moment. She releases her lip and asks, “Honest?”

Peggy nods lightly and whispers, “Honest.”

Violet glances at Peggy’s glass and says, “I’ll get you some more water. I know you want to leave despite my advice that you stay. Just wait half an hour?”

Peggy makes a small sound to let Violet know she’s heard her as Violet gets up.

Mr. Jarvis comes to kneel next to her with his head bent.

Peggy quirks an eyebrow. “Mr. Jarvis?”

His head snaps up and it almost makes her laugh. “Yes?”

“Are you all right?”

“Hmm,” he nods but remains quiet for a moment. She almost drifts off before he whispers, “I spoke to Miss Martinelli.”

Her eyes snap open and she luckily remembers not to move.

“I thought perhaps you might want her to know, in case...”

She wants to be angry with him, to tell him he had no right  and it was useless to contact someone who might not even care. When she looks up at him with his kind eyes and his nervous ear pulling, all she can do is whisper, “Thank you.”

* * *

She likes Jason and she supposes in another life, she would have responded differently to his advances but every time he smiles at her or tries to flirt, she sees a flash of curly brunette hair and bright blue eyes.

After Mr. Jarvis leaves, Jason comes to stand next to her bed. “You should really rest.”

Peggy nods. “You’re right but I’ve never been too good at that.”

Jason shrugs. “Doesn’t look like you have a choice.”

“Hmm, you might be right about that as well.”

Jason gestures toward the radio. “How about a little music?”

Peggy turns toward her radio and tries to forget where one just like it rests. She finds a song and recognizes it from the night she and Jason danced. “It’s your song.” She pauses before she whispers, “I just want to be loved.”

“Don’t we all?”

It’s the hope in his eyes that causes her to say, “I can’t.”

His smile is kind and more understanding that she would hope for. “I think I know that. You can’t blame someone for trying right?”

Peggy smiles, “Not at all.”

He starts to fade as he says, “You’re really,” He’s gone for a minute then he returns in a crackle, “really something Peggy Carter.”

She sits up and tries to come up with an explanation. “What’s happening?”

“I don’t know,” he says before he fades completely.

“Jason!” she calls out before her painkillers kick in and she drifts into a deep sleep.

* * *

Peggy doesn’t appreciate the tricks the painkillers play on her mind. She wakes to a light stroking of her hand. When she opens her eyes, her vision is blurry. She can barely make out the form of the hand’s owner.

“Violet?”

There’s something about the tired laugh that responds that’s familiar. “Replaced me already English?”

Peggy blinks and tries to clear her vision but she falls asleep again before she can say anything.

When she wakes some time later, her vision is clear but she is sure she is dreaming. She reasons her longing has given way to delusion because that’s the only explanation for the scene in front of her to be real.

Rose is laughing at something Angie says but stops as they both turn to her. Rose smiles. “Look who’s up.”

Peggy continues to stare at Angie. Angie moves next to her and wets the cloth on her side table and puts it to her forehead. Peggy leans into her touch and opens her mouth to speak but Angie brings her finger to her lips. “Later, you just rest up Pegs. Rose made you some soup and Mr. Fancy will be up with the tray soon.”

Peggy nods and finally turns to Rose. “Thank you for the soup.”

Rose takes her hand. “Not a problem, Pegs.”

“Any updates?”

Rose shakes her head. “I’m under strict instructions not to bother you with details.” At Peggy’s eye roll, Rose laughs and continues, “but as we both know, I tend to ignore those. We haven’t seen Jason and we’re not much closer.”

“Bless you Rose.”

Rose winks and squeezes her hand. “I gotta get back and I think you’re in good hands.”

Peggy nods and Rose waves at Angie before leaving. Peggy clears her throat, “Why didn’t-”

Angie squeezes her hand. “Later, I promise.”

Peggy nods and takes a few moments to look at her. She’s thinner than Peggy remembers and though she smiles, her eyes are dimmer. Before Peggy can say anything else, her meal arrives and she falls asleep again.

When she wakes this time, Angie is in traveling clothes, wringing her hands in her lap.

Peggy knits her eyebrows. “You’re leaving?”

Angie leans forward and takes her hand. “You’re through the worst of it and I can’t-” She stops and looks out of the window. “I know I’m not here all the time to tell you to be careful but you gotta remember that you’re human Pegs, you can break just like anyone else.”

Peggy shifts in her bed and pleads,“Please, can you just stay a little-”

Angie shakes her head. “I gotta get back and you got a job to do. I’m not even sure I shoulda come.”

“Can I ask if you still-”

Angie smiles then and Peggy wonders for a moment if she might cry. “You don’t need to ask. The answer is the same as the day you left.”

Peggy feels the drugs kick in before she can say it’s the same for her too.

* * *

The next time she wakes, there’s no trace that Angie was ever there. Peggy cries when Ana leaves from changing her bandages. She’s healed enough where her sobbing doesn’t threaten the possibility of stitches popping.

She allows herself to think of all the things she’s tried to forget. Angie’s smile, the night they spent together, the home she misses more than she ever thought she could but most of all, she thinks of all the times she didn’t get to confess the three words that never ring more true than they do now.

She accepts that it will never change. She will always love Angie and she will always mourn all of the chances she never had to tell her.


	2. All the demons are closin in and I don't want you to burn

She tries in the beginning. That callback leads to a small part and the reviews are good and there are times she really thinks she can do this. She misses the call that tells her Peggy landed safely but she talks to Howard on her off day and she gets the message anyway.

She thinks about sending Peggy one of her reviews but the thought of it is too much and she decides against it. She sees her friends and she continues working. She moves into a different bedroom, the far side of the house, the one they never used and she tries to maintain her focus.

It’s when the first letter arrives that she finds herself slipping. Peggy complains about the heat and the movie stars but she sends a hello from Rose and does say she is surprisingly fond of avocados. It makes Angie smile at first and she is thankful Peggy didn’t sign it 'with love.'

Then she reads it after a particularly hard night at the L&L and she thinks of all they’ll never have. She thinks of how Peggy was there at her fingertips all this time and she never considered the possibility.

She skips work when the next letter comes. The play is over and she really should go to her audition but she cradles Peggy’s letter thinking if she holds it long enough, maybe she could just will her back.

* * *

It’s two more days before Gloria drops by.

“Angie?” she calls from the foyer.

Angie doesn’t bother moving. She knows she’ll find her and she knows what she’ll say but she can’t just keep going. She knows it’s Peggy who calls every Thursday, probably skipping whatever work she has to try and catch Angie on her off day. Angie can’t bring herself to answer, it would make it too real. Peggy is across the country living and breathing and Angie can’t bring herself to realize that means she’s not here.

Gloria opens the door lightly when she finds her and sighs at the sight of countless tissues strewn about the room and the pile of papers next to Angie. She knows the answer before she asks but this is the game they play. “Where you been?”

Angie stars up at the ceiling as she answers, “Here.”

Gloria treads lightly as she approaches. She tried the bright and sunny tactic the last time she’d seen Angie like this, that time Peggy left the country without telling Angie where, but that would only cause her to retreat further and Gloria couldn’t afford that. “I came in for some apple pie and Joe says he hasn’t seen you in a few days.” She keeps her tone soft and tries to make it conversational. She knows Angie hates it if she can read her worry too quickly.

“Sorry bout that,” Angie still doesn’t turn toward her as she continues, “Thanks for comin’ by but I think I’d rather be alone right now.”

Gloria nods. “Mind if I come back tomorrow?” She knows that while this first time won’t be seen as an intrusion, if she doesn’t ask permission, the next will.

“Day after, I’ll try to be better, I promise.” Angie continues to stare at the ceiling but she reaches for Gloria’s hand.

“Hmm, I’ll bring you some of Vera’s cookies either way.” She squeezes Angie’s hand before she leaves and makes a note to remind her to shower the next time she comes.

* * *

Angie knows she should answer the phone just like she knows she should take a shower but she can’t seem to find the energy to move. There’s some loud commotion in the street below her and she thinks it unfair how the world can go on when she feels like this.

She picks up the last letter, the one she’s read more than the others and looks at the same few words she can’t get out of her mind.

_I’ll never regret that night together, you must know that and if I had to do it all over, I’d choose you every time._

The tears start again and she turns to the radio to play something to drown out the sobs she knows will accompany them soon.

She doesn’t know how long she’s been like this, three visits from Gloria suggest somewhere close to a month. She wishes she could see a way out but she can’t help but think this might be all there is.

* * *

She wakes one morning to the only smell that she’s sure would raise her from the dead. It seems appropriate given how she feels. When she reaches the kitchen, she wraps her arms around the woman at the stove and whispers, “I love you.”

She receives a light squeeze on her forearm for the statement before she’s instructed to sit down. She can’t tell if the warmth she feels is from the kitchen itself or the feeling that always accompanies the sight of the woman in it.

When she turns, she frowns at Angie as she places the plate of food in front of her. “This enormous house and you can’t afford decent food.”

Angie lets out the first laugh in what feels like forever. It’s weak and timid but it’s something and that’s more than she’s had in a while. “I can Ma, I’ve just been-”

Her mother leans forward and takes her hand. “I know. Your father has gone to visit Uncle Sal for a week. You think I could stay here?”

Angie knows with this one question how bad this is. Her mother never asks to stay. Angie just nods and tries not to cry into her pasta as her mother makes her tea.

* * *

She locks the letters in her old room and never answers the phone on Thursdays though it continues to ring. When Howard calls to offer her a part, she gives him Arlene French’s number instead.

She starts secretary school and doesn’t look back. She doesn’t think the stage was a pipe dream and she knows she could have been good but she needs something solid now, something she can depend on and nine to five in an office proves to be that. She finishes faster than expected and begins her first job at an all girl’s school settled in the middle of the city and her old neighborhood.

The phone rings before she is out the door to visit her parents during one of the school breaks. “Miss Martinelli?” The line cracks and the static makes the voice sound odd but she knows who it is.

“What happened?” she asks. She sets off for L.A. after a call to her mom and sends a prayer of thanks that she is ready when Howard shows up to take her.

* * *

She almost faints when she sees her. Her skin is pale and she’s muttering in her sleep. It’s Ana that catches her before she falls and she’s amazed that she has the presence of mind to whisper a word of thanks.

She moves toward the chair Mr. Jarvis offers and she takes Peggy’s hand in hers. “What the hell happened English?” she whispers but Peggy’s only answer is muttering about zero matter and some man named Jason.

Rose arrives in a few hours with soup and a worried glance at Angie. Angie can’t blame her and she’s happy Peggy has a friend like her. She stands to join her at the foot of Peggy’s bed.

“Why haven’t you called? Or written? She’s been worried sick about you.”

Angie feels both guilty and elated at this, the latter only causing the guilt to rise. “I didn’t know what to say. I mean you thought you’d be here for a month to set things up and it’s nine months later. So when she said the same, I, well, I, I thought I could do this Rose. I thought I could learn to live with what you both do but I just-”

Rose takes her hand and squeezes it. “Just let her know you’re alive o.k.? I know the rest of it is hard but at least give her that.”

Angie squeezes back and nods. She waits a moment before she whispers, “So tell me about that guy in the funny tie who can’t take his eyes off ya.”

Rose laughs and Peggy wakes before she can respond.

* * *

While Peggy sleeps, she thinks about their time at the Griffith, all those nights she heard Peggy stumble in through the window and the winces and limps she never explained. There is nothing she wouldn’t give for this to be as simple as one of those.

Every time Peggy moans, she tries to make some small adjustment to help her feel better. She fluffs the pillows, fixes the blanket and wets a cloth but beyond that, she feels mostly useless. She’s grateful Jarvis called her so she could hear in person when Peggy was through the worst of it.

She’s afraid of slipping back again and she continues to tell herself that the only way to be sure she doesn’t is to leave. Her break is up soon and she doesn’t want to lose the little slice of consistency she’s fought so hard to gain.

Ana comes in to relieve her to shower and change. When Angie reaches the door, Ana says, “You could always stay. I’m sure she’d appreciate a familiar face.”

Angie shakes her head. “I can’t,” she says simply before moving to pack the rest of her things.

When she says goodbye, she means to just tell Peggy to be safe and careful but her confession about loving her happens so naturally and quickly, Peggy falls asleep before she can try to cover it up and if she thinks about it, she doesn’t want to. Peggy deserves to know.

Angie watches her for a few minutes before slipping out of the room and doesn’t even bother trying not to think of Peggy doing the same a couple of months before. When she reaches Mr. Jarvis, she says, “If she dies, I’m killing you.”

He nods politely and answers, “I wouldn’t respect you if you didn’t.”

She almost hugs him, knowing it means he’ll watch out for Peggy when it’s too painful for her.

It’s raining as she enters the cab and she’s glad for it since it helps to cover the fact that she’s begun to cry. Saying goodbye to Peggy will never be easy and she can’t help but wish it wasn’t also necessary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second story in a planned trilogy and I promise part 3 will have a happy ending


End file.
